I Don't Deserve It, But Give Me Another Chance

 

I'm not going to bore you with apologies or promises. And this isn't a New Year's Resolution thing (Happy 2016 BTW!). The best I could do in the way of a resolution is to try to do and be a little bit better than last year. So, I'm just going to write, and hopefully it will become a good habit again.

I haven't been able to write for a long time (really write, for about 2 years). I tried many times, but nothing felt genuine so nothing would come out. Long story, but basically I lost my joy. And over something for which I shouldn't have surrendered my joy. And while I knew that in my head, I couldn't keep it from seeping into my heart. I've made efforts. Fake it till you make it, right? But joy is hard to fake. 

I've wanted to bust out and get back to my normal self. I've taken baby steps. Tried to work out again. Started drinking warm water with Raw Apple Cider every morning (not sure why). Forced myself to take part in social situations. Be part of my community. Be more present for my husband. Rekindle friendships. Smile. And each effort has helped bring me back to the surface a little bit. 

This past weekend we had our annual sales conference in Scottsdale. One of my friends, Fawn Cheng, offered to lead our group in a meditation/visualization session. Fawn is fashion stylist and a meditation expert and leads regular seminars. She's also writing a book called The Buddha and The Bombshell, based on every woman discovering her inner bombshell. Fawn is a BOMBSHELL. Her outward appearance is all fluff, and her soul is all deep stuff. She teaches love and the manifestation of love in your everyday life, and how that can help you overcome obstacles and fear.



I have to say, I didn't know what to expect ~ I suppose I was taking it kind of lightly...probably a bit skeptical...but thinking it would just be a fun and different thing to try. 
The meditation part was relaxing, some of us even nodded off a bit, which Fawn said is natural. The visualization part felt more vulnerable. That involved verbalizing and sharing insecurities and fears, which we didn't linger on, instead we focused on what makes our hearts sing. Recapturing what it is about our roles with KOKOON that attracted us in the first place, the love that is at the root of what we do.  Interestingly, that felt more vulnerable than identifying our fears. Well, sharing anything like that out loud with your colleagues will probably make you feel vulnerable. 


One aspect that was very interesting was that the farther I got away from the session, the more I felt its influence. Some of the Stylists said the same. Later in the afternoon we had a think tank-like discussion. Some new ideas were being thrown out there, and my immediate reaction was 'No...and here's why I feel no...' and while I was sitting there I thought to myself, 'why am I feeling so negative about this? i feel the fear of the unknown, and the anticipation of problems. maybe i should listen with an open heart...'  And in the following 20 minutes we all had a discussion that helped me see possibilities instead of fixating on the problems, and I actually got really excited about it. I realized that could only have happened because I was in a more open mindset due to the visualization. 

And a funny thing happened as a side effect. I reconnected with my joy. 
Honestly, it had been brewing for awhile, but it felt like a tipping point for me. 
A few days later I feel calmer, clearer, more confident. I know it's not a one time fix. I think Fawn is starting some audio meditation sessions, and I downloaded a Calm app on my phone.

Baby steps. 

Do you meditate? Do you believe in the benefits of visualization? I would love to hear about your experiences!

Xo, 

Laine